Set a good example and accept responsibility.
If others are in pain and I am to blame, I have to accept responsibility for my words and actions. I can choose to focus on helping those who are hurting or broken-hearted.
It’s hard to be blamed for things that are not your fault.
It is even harder to actually be at fault when our loved ones are caught in the crossfire of rejection or betrayal. Remember though, we do have the power to change!
Rejection and betrayal, accepting responsibility and loved ones being caught in the crossfire are not subjects that are fun to write about, and probably not fun to read. However, the truth is, sometimes things are our fault. And sometimes we do cause our loved ones and other pain.
So, what to do for your loved one and how to survive this for yourself? Your heart is breaking as you watch others suffer and you know if you had just handled things differently they would not be so hurt.
It’s overwhelming and in most cases, you are dealing with your own pain of rejection or betrayal as you try to help others that were caught in the crossfire of the situation. Rejection and betrayal overwhelm no matter who bears responsibility.
Are you really to blame? Does fault have to be assigned?
I’m not saying you’re not, but it is something we need to look at honestly. Some of us have a tendency to take responsibility for that which should not belong to us. So take an honest look at this question and ask someone you trust to evaluate if you are thinking clearly.
If you constantly blame yourself for every negative thing that happens in your life you will be exhausted and confused. It’s called personalization. I hate it when people say ‘it’s not personal’, don’t you? I mean, hello! If it involves me it IS personal. Duh. 😉
But – what if we looked at things as not personal – if we chose to take into account how many variables and other factors played into the situation? This can help us understand better what is meant by ‘it’s not personal.’
On the flip side – if we don’t step up and accept responsibility we won’t grow.
When we choose to blame others for our problems, we never learn or grow. And really, that growth and maturity that we gain from accepting that we are not perfect and we screw up sometimes is the silver lining to our pain.
And believe me, you want that silver lining. It is the path that takes you from devastation to moving on and eventually thriving better than before. If we don’t take responsibility we have no power to change the issues. I’d like the power to change, wouldn’t you?
Compassion for Self and Others is Necessary
During the sting of pain, it may be hard for you to be self-compassionate. You see your loved ones hurting also and know it could have been different. Give yourself a little time, and you will come to see you meant well, you are human, and possibly you came a little unhinged. It happens. You were likely reacting to a very unkind situation. Take a deep breath and allow yourself your humanity.The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive
Likewise, as you process what you have been through, you will want to get to the point where you remember your offender(s) too are just humans, messing up also.
Lastly, compassion for our loved ones, whether we are to blame or not is always a component of their healing and ours. It can also give us a break from our own brain and pain as we seek to ease their suffering.
How to Help Children that are Suffering from Emotional Pain
If it is your children that were caught in the crossfire and are bleeding, seek help outside yourself. Therapy, a pastor or trusted friends can help be a sounding board for the child and yourself.
You can also set a good example of how to deal with deep emotional trauma by getting yourself the help you need. And by doing extreme self-care, and of course, most importantly drawing close to God in your time of need.
You can show your loved ones that forgiving ourselves is a faith-enhancing move, in that we are choosing to step out in trust that God really does know more than we do. If He can forgive us, what are we saying when we refuse to forgive ourselves?
How do I Move Past How Much it Hurts Knowing I am to Blame?
- Forgive yourself, as God forgives you
- Make restitution if your situation allows it
- Set a good example on how to deal with being deeply human
- Humbly accept your mistake, errors or flaws
- Choose to grow and learn from them
Accept Responsibility & Set a Good Example
As you process, you will begin to change and mature in new ways. You may see the glimmer of truth that you will never be that same person again. You will begin to sort out what was righteous in how you handled things, and what you should have done differently. Grab hold of that righteous part of God working through you. Even if it made others angry or hateful towards you. Right is right, regardless of reactions.
Likewise, truth is the truth. Don’t diminish the truth because it caused pain or hurt. Maybe the way we handle the truth can improve. We can grow in gentleness and discernment. But never, ever blame truth or shy away from it. The truth remains, even if we did not handle it as we might have.
Discernment and Casting Pearls & The Power to Change
The Bible does not teach us to cast our pearls like you might throw spaghetti on a wall to see what sticks. Rather, the Word of God teaches us to be discerning. It is God who will soften hearts to hear the truth or not.
Let one of your lessons be to embrace discernment in a stronger way. If you feel like you are always to blame when things go wrong, growing in discernment is a great place to start changing.
Besides helping you to find yourself in a less painful situation, discernment will cause you to abide closer to Messiah as you seek His voice in when to speak up and where not to.
Set a Good Example -Get Bitter or Get Better – The Choice is Yours!
“Justice, faith, mercy. Humility. That’s it. Without those coming first, the rest is just straining gnats”.The Weightier Matters
It is okay to mess up. Let go of any perfectionism that is strangling you. Let go of ugly words and action and accusations brought against you. Accept responsibility and set a good example your accusers need to see. Allow Jesus/Yahshua to heal you and grow and mature you. You got this! With His help. The choice is yours.
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